Who should read this chapter? All parents should read this chapter. All children need discipline from time to time. There are good methods of discipline and other methods that are not as good.
Summary: Physical exercise is a better means of disciplinary punishment than spanking, time-out, writing lines, and grounding. The advantages and disadvantages of each type of punishment are summarized in a table at the end of this chapter. Discipline should focus on teaching right vs. wrong and good vs. bad. Children must believe that a parent is serious in these teachings. Avoid bluffing, since it indicates that a parent is not serious.
Example:
My two daughters, Jam and Puff (names used for example only), get into an argument.
Puff: Stop looking at me!
Jam: I'm not looking at you!
Puff: Yes you are!
Jam: You were looking at me first!
Mom: Stop fighting right now. Both of you do 20 push-ups, right now.
Puff: But, she started it!
Mom: It doesn't matter who started it. Both of you do 20 push-ups, right now.
Jam: No, I don't want to do 20 push-ups.
Mom: Then do 25 push-ups right now.
Puff: No, mom, can't we do something else?
Mom: Make it 30 push-ups right now. Are you getting the message? [the number is increasing]
Jam: OK, I'll do 20 push-ups.
Mom: The number is now 35. Do I hear an OK?
Jam: OK.
Puff: OK.
Both of them struggle with 35 push ups but eventually get them done.
Puff and Jam get into another fight.
Puff: Mom, Jam took my candy.
Jam: No, I didn't.
Puff: Yes, you did.
Jam: You get me so mad!
Mom: Stop fighting. 20 push-ups, right now.
[Without a word, both of them immediately do their push-ups. They now know that any further discussion will result in 25 or 30 push-ups instead]
How should parents discipline and punish children? Spanking is controversial, but most experts feel that it is not a good idea. Time-out is OK, but it's boring. Physical exercise is a great way to punish kids. It's beneficial for them and they hate it. You can carry it out anytime and any place. If I get any argument about it, I just increase the amount of physical exercise. When kids object to running one lap, they get to run two laps instead. Any further argument raises it to three, four and five laps. Kids get the message quickly. When their punishment is assigned, they carry it out right away, without argument.
Spanking, time-out, writing lines and grounding are inferior methods of discipline. Physical exercise is better.
Discipline involves teaching children right from wrong, good from bad. They must make choices in life. We would like them to make the right and good choices. When they make the wrong choice in childhood (in other words, they do something wrong/bad) we need to teach them to make a better decision next time. We can verbally tell them this, but young children often repeat the same mistake indicating that your verbal message was not effective. Some type of punishment seems to be necessary in these instances to get the child's attention to make them think about making a better decision next time. Punishment needs to be NOXIOUS. In other words, children must dislike punishment, so they associate it with discomfort of some sort. This discomfort does not need to be physical pain, rather it can be emotional discomfort as well.
Physical exercise is perhaps, an almost ideal form of punishment (in children three years and older), since it is noxious and simultaneously, it is GOOD for the body. Additionally, it is convenient. Physical exercise can be performed anywhere, without pencils, paper, books, or any other props. No other form of punishment has these ideal characteristics.
Spanking: There are many reasons why spanking your child is not a good means of disciplinary punishment. Many parents do not believe this, because they were spanked as a child and they turned out just fine. This is a good counter argument, but have an open mind and consider the following. Even if you believe that spanking is OK, at best, this is in fourth place. Why use a fourth place method of discipline when you can choose from the top three? It makes no sense to choose what's in fourth place. "Corporal punishment" is the term used for spanking, lashing, slapping, paddling, and all other forms of punishment that physically strike a child. Spanking and corporal punishment teach children that violence is acceptable and that violence results in power. This is a bad concept to learn since it is likely to favor violent behavior later in life. It is likely that such reasoning is responsible for teen gang violence, where it is believed that violence earns more power and respect for the gang.
Spanking can cause physical harm to a child. It is hard to seriously injure a child by spanking them on the buttocks, but when parents use spanking as a routine form of disciplinary punishment, parents become accustomed to striking their child. When the situation demands a more serious disciplinary action, such a parent would be more likely to strike the child in the head or use a potentially harmful object (such as a belt, club, bat, pipe, shoe, etc.) for discipline. Obviously, striking a child in this manner can cause serious injury. Brain damage, facial cuts, broken bones and internal bleeding are never beneficial for children. External bruises can easily result from spanking. Nowadays, such bruises are generally considered to be child abuse. Discipline does not justify such injuries. Additionally, spanking children teaches them that hitting others is OK and acceptable as long as its purpose is to straighten someone out. Such children are more likely to hit other children or get into physical fights since these incidents usually start out with petty disagreements.
If spanking is to be used at all, perhaps its concept can be best used to convince your children what a good parent you are. During the process of discipline and punishment, parents should periodically point out that other parents spank their children. But I love my children too much to do this. I, as a parent, must do something to teach you right from wrong. I must pick a form of punishment that you don't like, but I will not spank you, because it will hurt you more than is necessary.
Many child care experts reasonably believe that spanking is occasionally justified as a brief single slap on the wrist or buttocks in response to a dangerous action by the child such as running into the street, playing with matches, getting near a hot stove, poking another child with a scissors, etc. This should also be followed by a strongly worded discussion of why this behavior should never be done again.
Time-out: This is a common discipline measure which involves sending the child to a quiet area where he or she must sit or stand quietly. My child's preschool would use time-out a lot. Time-out is physically harmless and it embarrasses the child to some degree in front of his/her friends so the noxious element is there. For time-out to be effective, it must last longer than a brief period of time. For example, a 20 second time-out, would not be noxious enough to get a child's attention. Long time-outs are difficult for parents to manage since they must keep an eye on the child during the time-out period. If no parent is watching, the time-out has effectively ended since the child can do as he/she pleases. Thus, time-outs are time consuming for parents. Because time-outs are long, children with short attention spans, may forget what they are in time-out for. Time-out is not swift enough. Time-out is a fairly good means of disciplinary punishment, but there is a better way.
Physical exercise: Running, jumping, push-ups and sit-ups build strength, stamina, cardiovascular fitness and athleticism. All of us could use more exercise, but we don't do enough because physical exercise is NOXIOUS. Once, it has been decided that punishment is necessary, physical exercise can be used for punishment since it is noxious. While spanking is harmful and time-out is neutral, physical exercise is BENEFICIAL!! I have several favorite physical exercise punishments:
Jumping jacks are easy to do. Jumping jacks are almost too easy. But try doing 100 jumping jacks. This becomes very difficult. 100 jumping jacks are somewhat embarrassing to do in public, thus, this embarrassment element adds noxiousness making it a more effective punishment. Do not use jumping jacks at the grocery store near bottles or in any crowded areas for obvious reasons. Otherwise, jumping jacks are highly aerobic and benefit stamina, cardiovascular fitness and jumping ability.
Push-ups are more difficult to do. Most children under 4 years of age cannot do these. With training, most 4 and 5 year olds can do them. Push-ups are very noxious since they are very difficult to do. The major advantage of push-ups is that the punishment can be completed quickly. Ten push-ups for a 5 year old can be completed quickly. As the child improves in strength and ability, 20, 30, 40 or more push-ups can be assigned to fit the level of punishment needed. These can be completed quickly and parents don't need to count to 100. Push-ups can be done anywhere providing a small amount of floor space. I've often made my children do push-ups in a grocery store as soon as they misbehave. This is embarrassing for them (additional noxiousness). They can complete it quickly and shopping can resume. The only problem with this, is the floor is dirty and their hands must be washed (carry disposable moist towelettes in your pocket or purse). Push-ups build upper body strength and stamina.
Sit-ups strengthen the abdominal wall musculature. Some older kids who are well conditioned can do sit-ups forever. Thus, sit-ups would not be a useful punishment in such children. Sit-ups require a clean floor, thus, they can only be utilized at home.
Laps around the park are highly aerobic, building stamina and cardiovascular fitness. Sprints are similar, but these can be completed faster and they build running speed. These require a large outdoor area such as a yard, park, school, gym, etc.
"Jumps" are a good means of building the jumping muscles. This can be highly beneficial for kids who want to excel in volleyball and basketball. Jumps require that the child touch the ground with his/her hand, and then jump off the ground. The jump need not be high, but their feet must leave the ground for it to count. Try doing this 100 times yourself. This is very difficult unless you are in top shape. 100 jumps is a good punishment if you want your kids to improve their jumping ability. Excessive jumping can result in stress injuries in the knees so be cautious about using jumps excessively.
"Lines" are my favorite punishment physical exercise. Many coaches use this to build athletic quickness. Some coaches use this to punish athletes for poor attitude or poor performance. Mark two lines about 10 to 20 feet apart. The child must touch one line with his/her hand, run to the other line and touch it with the other hand, run back to the first line and touch it with his/her hand, etc. The hand must touch the line to count. Don't allow them to be sloppy. They will be perfect at touching the line with their hand when they find out that if the line is not touched, it doesn't count and it must be run again. If I have time, I give my children a limited amount of time to complete the lines. Thus, they must run the lines FAST or they get to do it again. Running 40 lines (one line is considered back and forth) within 4 minutes can be used as a rule of thumb depending on how fast your child is and the distance between the lines. Running lines builds a child's ability to move quickly over short distances. This would be most beneficial in court sports such as volleyball, basketball, tennis and racquetball. This type of quickness is also beneficial in field sports such as football, baseball and soccer.
Be serious !!: Do not bluff. Your punishment assignment, must be immediately obeyed or it will lose its effectiveness. Recall the story of the boy who cried wolf. If you threaten 30 push-ups, but never enforce it, you have lost your ability to discipline. This loss will not be easy to recover. You, as a parent, must earn the reputation of effective discipline. Examine the differences in the following two examples:
At soccer practice, Jam is fooling around and not listening to the coach.
Example 1:
Dad: Jam, listen to the coach. Do you want to take a lap?
Jam continues to fool around, not listening to the coach.
Dad: Jam, do you want the coach to make you take a lap?
Jam continues to fool around and not listen.
Dad: Jam, I'm going to make you take a lap when we get home.
Jam continues to fool around.
Example 2:
Dad: Jam, for not listening to the coach, take a lap right now!!
The method in example 2 is more successful. It is direct and swift. The method in example 1 is filled with bluffs. Bluffing eliminates a parent's ability to effectively discipline. Don't bluff.
Always be certain that you can carry out any punishment that you threaten. If you can't carry out the threat, it becomes a bluff and your threats will lose respect. Threats such as, "I'm going to break your neck" cannot possibly be carried out. The threat should be specific and swift, such as "25 push ups, right now." If threats are vague, they may not be taken seriously. A threat such as, "If you continue to misbehave, you kids are going to get it." What exactly does that mean? Most of the time when a parent says this, it is not followed by any punishment at all. It is often a bluff. Don't bluff.
Even if you never bluff, your children may decide to one day assume that you might not be serious about discipline and punishment. Periodically, you may need to establish credibility to be certain that your children understand that your threat of punishment is SERIOUS so that you are NEVER doubted. A challenging example occurred one day when I told my daughter to run 10 laps around the driveway and I wanted it run fast. She started running it, but it was deliberately slow. I told her again to run it fast, or she would have to start all over again. No change resulted. I told her to run it fast or she would have to do 100 push ups after this, but this did not make her run faster. What could I do at this point? My authority is being challenged. If I gave up, I would be telling my daughter that she could choose whether to listen to me. My ability to discipline would be seriously impaired. Perhaps I'm just bluffing every time I threaten punishment.
Perhaps I could beat her with a stick, but this is not a good idea. Instead, I chose to remove a privilege that she had just earned and I did it in a very visible, immediate and irreversible manner. She had just received a small electronic toy that she liked very much. I told her that since she didn't listen to me, she was about to lose this toy permanently. I told her to bring it down to the garage immediately. As soon as she brought it down, I smashed it with a hammer. It obviously would never work again. This was visible, immediate and obviously irreversible. She would never again believe that I would bluff. Discipline measures from me are now taken very seriously and they are carried out immediately. This immediately put me back in control of discipline. She got up and ran the 10 laps as fast as she could. This was followed by the 100 push ups.
Perhaps this was too violent. Perhaps I should have given the toy away or sold it instead. Perhaps I should have just taken it away from her for a week. These other methods would have presented a delayed threat with the possibility that this was still a bluff. Also, this punishment could still be reversed because the possibility of getting the toy back still exists. But if the toy is destroyed immediately, there is no question that the toy is lost for good and the next time such a threat is made, it should be taken seriously.
Establishing credibility is important in discipline. Bluffing destroys credibility and must be avoided. Sometimes, credibility must be re-established and it may take an occasional drastic measure to do this.
Writing lines: This form of punishment can be similarly effective. For young children, writing is difficult. Writing a lot is noxious (thus, a useful punishment) and it is beneficial for the young child learning to write. The drawback with writing lines is that it can only be done when paper, pencil and a writing surface are present. Even if you carried pencil and paper with you everywhere, you could not make your child write lines inside a grocery store without a writing surface. Writing lines for older children who are proficient at writing, is not noxious enough to be a useful punishment and it has little benefit for the child at this point.
Grounding: I have had several adults tell me that restricting privileges as a youngster was the worst form of punishment that they could endure. As a teenager, restrictions on telephone use, driving, social activities and sports participation can be substantial punishment. This seems to work best in older children. Younger children do not seem to find this noxious enough. Young children can be entertained by so many different things, removing one of these things (even television), does not seem to bother them much.
A doubting parent once told me that physical exercise was not a good way to punish children. He wanted his children to be athletic when they grew up. He wanted his children to love physical exercise. If we use physical exercise to punish children, they will grow up hating physical exercise. I don't believe that this is a valid argument. Repetitive physical exercise of the types that I have described (jumping jacks, push-ups, sit-ups, laps and lines) are noxious to everyone even if they were never used as punishment. Even professional athletes dislike such training exercises. Football players like playing football much more than they like lifting weights. But they must lift weights to gain strength to improve their football skills. Thus, children will grow to like a sport on its own merits. Depending on the sport, they will have to endure training exercises which they will not like. Note that jumping jacks, push-ups, sit-ups, laps and lines are not sports. If there is a professional jumping jack league, I have never heard of it.
For these reasons, one should not use a SPORT as punishment. The problem here may be that the child will learn to dislike this sport since it is associated with punishment. I once had my kids do soccer drills as punishment until I later realized that this might make them dislike the sport. I once made my daughter do 50 volleyball serves as punishment until I realized that this might make the sport of volleyball unattractive for her. Similarly, shooting 50 basketball free-throws as punishment might not be a good idea.
It would be best to select a physical exercise punishment that is "generic" and not clearly identifiable with any specific sport that your children might be interested in. I believe that the physical exercises described earlier fit these requirements.
The purpose of punishment is to learn, so perhaps these should be more appropriately called "learning methods" instead of "punishment methods". ALL learning/punishment methods (whichever you decide to use as a parent) should be followed with a discussion of why the child's actions and/or behavior are punished; usually because there is some natural consequence of the action (eg., running into the street can result in getting hit by a car). Learning occurs when they can anticipate the natural consequences of their actions on their own and they no longer need punishment to teach them.
Table - Advantages and Disadvantages of Punishment Methods