Who should read this chapter? Since all siblings fight, parents should learn the ways to minimize this. These fights serve as an opportunity to teach children how to deal with other conflicts in life.
Summary: Children need to learn that fighting NEVER results in anything good and fighting ALWAYS results in something bad. Stop the conflict and take measures to punish the conflict. Consistent examples of this teaches them to avoid conflict. Avoid and ignore issues of who started it or who is at fault. Children must learn to primarily AVOID all fights. It is better to avoid arguments about fault, liability, damages, etc. Determining fault is like being in a court with a presiding judge and jury. In real life, it is preferable to avoid such courts by avoiding all fights. In their younger years, children should be taught that fights must be avoided by all parties. Determination of fault is not important; unless you want to involve the police or a judge.
Fights and arguments among siblings are annoying to parents. However, these little fights and arguments serve as a good experience to deal with conflict in their everyday lives. The basic lesson they need to learn is; Fighting should be avoided, regardless of the cause and regardless of who caused it or started it. Thus, using the principles of reinforcement, the behavior that should be punished is the fighting itself. While children and parents will often focus on who caused the conflict in the first place, this issue should be ignored. In everyday life, we would prefer to avoid the courtroom by avoiding the conflict in the first place. By playing judge and jury as a parent, we support the concept of temporarily stopping the conflict only to continue it in a different form (the courtroom with the parent as judge).
Children fight over two common things. They will often fight over an object (most commonly a toy) or they will fight over some concept, idea or accusation.
When my children fight over an object such as a toy, I take the toy and dump it in the trash can. I tell them that since this toy is causing my children to fight, I don't want it in the house any more. I don't care who's toy it is. I don't care who started the fight. They generally do not get a second chance. Ignore all attempts to plead a case for why one child is right and the other is wrong. The only thing that matters is that there is a conflict. After a few of their favorite toys end up in the trash can, they soon realize that it is better to share, or risk loosing the toy completely. This type of parental response to fights over toys promotes sharing and teaches them to avoid fighting.
Unfortunately, some of these toys and objects that they fight over can be very expensive and many parents would be reluctant to dump these in the trash. These might be video games, a computer, a jacket, jewelry, etc. There are two other approaches that can be used. One is to remove the toy and dump it in the trash, but after the children have gone to bed, retrieve the toy and give it away as a gift or donate it to your favorite charity to get a tax deduction. Your children have lost the toy or object, but at least you get part of its value back. The other approach is to restrict the use of the object for a fixed period of time. For example, they can no longer play with the computer for the next 2 weeks. They can no longer wear that jacket for the next month. The toy can be given to a different child in the family (who was not involved in the conflict at all).
When children fight over concepts, ideas, or accusations (e.g., "Stop looking at me") the conflict should be stopped and some type of discipline should be given to ALL parties. Select the type of discipline as discussed in the previous chapter (Discipline and Punishment the Better Way). Avoid all attempts by your children to plead a case for why one is right and the other is wrong, or accusations of who started it. The only thing that matters is that a conflict is present and it must be stopped right now to prevent it from progressing.
If they are fighting over an issue, it may be possible to give them the exact opposite of what they were fighting over. For example, while we were driving, I asked my children for suggestions of where to eat lunch. They began arguing because one wanted to go to McDonald's, another wanted Taco Bell, and the third wanted to go to Kentucky Fried Chicken. Because they were fighting, I decided to eat lunch at home. We served canned sardines (which they hate) and cauliflower. No one was allowed to leave the table until they finished their sardines. In this case, I was able to give them the opposite of what they were fighting about. They need to learn that fighting NEVER results in anything good and fighting ALWAYS results in something bad. Consistent examples of this teaches them to avoid conflict or face the inevitable.
If they fight over something silly, for which an opposite cannot be identified, immediately stop the conflict and serve up some swift discipline. For example, my kids love to argue about who is correct about some fact. I stop the conflict and I tell all of them to do 20 push-ups, run 10 laps, do 100 jumping jacks or something similar.
Teens fight over different things, but these events should be dealt with in the same way. Fighting over a dress or a jewelry item is no different than fighting over an expensive toy. Nobody gets to use it, throw it away, donate it to charity or make it off limits for two months. Teens fight over who should be using the phone. This is no different than dealing with younger kids. Unplug the phone or make it off limits for everyone for a week. Teens may fight over who gets to use the car on a certain day. If they are unable to compromise or if they insist on fighting, then none of them get to use the car for a week. If they fight over something, they must be taught that they will get the exact opposite of what they are fighting for.