Who should read this chapter? All parents who have young children.

Summary: While children do not like to be yelled at, explaining to them why we yell will often get them to accept this. We often yell because the environment is noisy. We also yell because children seem to obey better when we yell. Explain this to children in a clear and logical manner. When you yell at your children, it may sometimes be a good idea to explain to them why you are yelling. It is usually for one of these two reasons. If it is not, then perhaps you should not be yelling.

Children do not like to be yelled at, especially in public. My kids would not mind so much if I yelled at them at home, but they would especially complain about my yelling in public, which was usually at sporting events. Children associate discipline with yelling. In my view, this is beneficial. For children who are sensitive to yelling, merely raising my voice will get their attention.

I explained to my children that there are only two reasons that parents yell:

1) In a large open noisy area like a soccer field, the players cannot hear instructions from coaches and parents unless they yell. Ask your child, if I speak normally on the soccer field, would you be able to hear me? No, the soccer field is too big. I have to yell for you to hear me. I'm not yelling because I am mad. I'm not yelling because you are misbehaving. I'm yelling because I am excited and I like watching you play. I also yell sometimes to tell you where to kick the ball. Turn on the TV and show them a football, baseball, basketball or volleyball game. Show them all the fans yelling because they are HAPPY and supportive of their team. This is why parents yell at the soccer field, baseball field, football field, etc.

2) Kids encourage parents to yell. When I (parent) tell you (child) to do something in a soft calm voice, you often do not do it. When I yell the same command, you do it very quickly. You reward me for yelling. When I yell, you listen. When I speak in a soft, calm fashion, you don't listen. Now if you were a parent, and you noticed this, when you want your kids to do something, what would you do? You would yell of course, because when you yell, your kids obey. When you speak softly, your kids do not obey. Do you now understand? If you listen to me, when I tell you do something softly, there would be no need to yell. If you don't do it, you force me to yell. Because I'm your parent, I must teach you to do the right thing. This is important. If you don't hear me when I speak softly, I'm forced to yell. When you hear me yelling, it's because you've again encouraged me to yell.

The next time your child fails to listen to you when you issue a command in a normal voice. Yell it out the next time and point out to your child again, that you are being forced to yell because of this.

Example:

Parent: OK, it's time to turn off the TV and take a bath now (in a normal tone of voice).

Child: No answer,. OR "OK", followed by your child continuing to watch TV.

Parent: (Yelling) OK, turn off the TV and get in the bathtub right now !!

Child: Now runs to turn off the TV and then runs to the bathroom.

Following this while bathing your child, you should explain to him/her why you yelled. Point out that you said it in a normal tone of voice, but did not get any action. Only the yelling brought about action. You see, you forced me to yell. Every time you don't listen to me, you encourage me to yell more. Continue to point this out to your child every time this happens. Usually, they will gradually learn to listen when instructions are given in a normal tone of voice.

If you are yelling for reasons other than these, perhaps you are yelling too much and you should think about why you need to yell so much. Yelling excessively causes kids to treat parental yelling like a normal voice. They get used to it and they tune it out. Yelling is an effective tool, only when it is done sometimes. Yelling excessively also teaches kids that yelling is a normal way to speak. They are more likely to speak like this to others at school or outside the house.

How much yelling should parents do? The answer is like the three bears. It can't be too much, it can't be too little, it has to be just right.