Who should read this chapter? Parents with young children.

Summary: Parenting strategies must change as your child grows. Their decision making becomes more mature. Even before adolescence, there is a transition, at about 7 to 8 years of age when parents should shift to more subtle and indirect methods of guiding their children. The same message can be delivered in many ways. Communicating to (and parenting) a 10 year old using methods that work well on a 4 year old (such as DON'T mess up) is not as effective as using more mature positive messages designed for a 10 year old (such as DO that great job again).

If you've ever read on the topic of persuasion or influencing others, whether they be superiors, associates, subordinates or friends, a common theme is the use of indirect messages rather than direct orders. A message such as "Clean up that mess now", is considered less effective than, "We would like the office to be kept in a professional and tidy manner to reflect the professional and high quality character of our personnel." Some experts have stated that this approach should apply to children as well. However, I don't agree that this approach is appropriate for young children. For example, if a 3 year old is throwing his toy at the wall, you could scold him for throwing the toy and take the toy away, or you cold explain to him that the toy and the wall sustain some damage when he does this. I don't think the latter explanation would be appreciated by a 3 year old. This suggests that there is an age period when this transition takes place.

When children are young, they require concrete examples of good vs. bad and right vs. wrong so that they can develop this understanding through experience. Young children need to be told what to do, what is good/right and what is bad/wrong. But adolescents are just the opposite. Teenagers don't want to be told what to do in such a concrete (understandably childish) manner. So somewhere between the preschool and teenage years lies this period of transition. During this period, parents must adjust their parenting method from concrete commands to more open ended messages which encourage appropriate behavior.

A common way to simplify this transition is the difference between and messages. For older children, teens and adults, messages are less effective. messages practically force your brain to focus on the object that your message wants to avoid. For example, if I told you, "Don't think about your nose." I'll bet that this message made you think about your nose, even though my message was to avoid this. It is normal human nature to focus on the subject of a message, even if is in front of the message. It is better to phrase the message on something to instead of the negative. Let's go over more examples, that you should be able to identify with.

For basketball players, imagine yourself shooting a free throw with 1 second left in a tied game. While you are shooting, you could tell yourself one of two possible messages: 1) Don't miss, or 2) Nothing but net. Which message is more positive? If you were a basketball coach, which message would be better? Which message is more likely to help you make the free throw? The second message is better.

For a teacher or public speaker, imagine yourself about to speak before an important group. In preparation, you could tell yourself one of two possible messages: !) Don't be nervous, or 2) Relax and be confident. This second message is more supportive and positive.

For a golfer, imagine yourself in a sand trap close to the green. As you prepare for the shot, you could tell yourself one of two possible messages: 1) Don't duff, or 2) On the green and near the cup. You're more likely to be out of the sand trap sooner using the second message.

Children have less control over their human nature. If parents focus on the negatives with messages, children will focus on this. Sometime between the ages of 6 and 12 years, parents should gradually shift from simple direct commands toward indirect, subtle and positive messages. There are two chapters devoted to anticipating adolescent independence and adolescent discipline later in this book. The differences in adolescence are much more obvious. This chapter will focus on the more subtle change that occurs in younger children.

Think about 10 year old children and 4 year old children. Should parents use the same communication methods with both age groups? Of course not. The 10 year old is more sophisticated, but there is a strong tendency for parents to continue to use the same parenting techniques that seemed to work when the children were much younger. This is understandable since their maturation occurs too gradually for us to notice, yet too rapidly for us to easily adjust. Siblings at different ages complicate this adjustment since we tend to use the same methods for all the children in the family making the oldest child feel like they're being treated in a childish fashion and/or the youngest child becoming confused by complex indirect messages designed for more mature children.

At some point (probably about the age of 7 or 8), parents might notice that the direct messages that had worked well in the past such as, "Wash your hands before dinner", may no longer seem as effective as they once were. At this point, don't get mad at your children. Instead, transitioning from using direct messages to more indirect messages might be the answer. "There are germs on your hands and washing your hands well will get rid of them." I remember my oldest daughter listening to all my parenting suggestions (more like "commands") when she was young. As she got older, I gradually noticed that these direct messages were becoming less effective. I had to use explanations of human nature and positive reasoning to encourage the type of behavior that I wanted to see. I noticed that she understood this and it worked.

This change occurs gradually so it might be hard to notice. This slow transition gives parents the time they need to appropriately adjust. Watch for this change in your child. Parents who are aware of this are more likely to notice the change and adjust accordingly. It's almost as if your child changes from "Tell me what to do" to "Tell me why and tell me how good I am."

More examples of indirect (I) versus direct (D) messages follow:

D) Get your homework done right now.
I) Do you need any help completing your homework?

D) Don't waste any food at lunch time. Eat all your food.
I) Eating well makes you grow well. Do you want to be tall like dad?

D) Don't bring home another bad report card like this again.
I) We're going to spend more time together this semester because getting a good report is a sign of success.

D) You played like a slouch in today's game. You'd better play better next time or you might as well quit the team.
I) Do you want to be a good player on this team? It's up to you. Good players work hard to compete at their best effort. Perhaps we could practice together more this week.

D) I can't believe you missed that one easy play in today's game (focusing on the bad).
I) I was really proud to see you play such a good game today. You were nearly perfect. I could see that you really played hard (focusing on the good).

D) Your outfit looks like you just came from hell.
I) When you dress yourself, how do you want others to see you? I trust this is a good way to make friends.

D) Here's the $5 I owe you for washing the car.
I) The car looks great. Doesn't it feel good to ride in a shiny clean car? Thanks very much for helping out with the chores around the house.

D) Your eating habits are just going to make you fatter.
I) Eating less is more healthy for you now. What kinds of fruits and vegetables do you like because these are less fattening. I think I'll try to serve more fruit and vegetable dishes to try out.