Who should read this chapter? All parents.

Summary: Adolescents must transition from a dependent child to an independent adult. It is normal human nature for their behavior to change during this period. Understanding why these changes occur helps both parents and adolescents anticipate these changes so that the good family relationships that were established when they were younger, can be maintained. The style of parent-teen interactions and methods of discipline must change during adolescence to maintain effective parenting. This chapter discusses these changes and how anticipating these changes can help parents prepare themselves for their children’s adolescence, by modifying parents' means of getting important parenting messages to their teens. Instead of telling adolescents what to do, give them the facts and let them make their own decision.

One of the goals of adolescence (in transitioning from a child to an adult) is to transition from dependence to independence. We would all agree that at some point, adults need to be independent in most of our activities of daily living. It is a natural part of human nature for this process to begin in adolescence. By anticipating the changes occurring during adolescence, both teens and parents can maintain better relationships throughout this volatile and emotionally charged phase of their lives.

When arriving in new city, it is better to navigate with a map than by the seat of your pants. If you're about to perform surgery on someone's brain, it is better to know what the brain looks like before entering the skull rather than learning about the brain upon entering the skull. Likewise, it is better to learn the changes occurring during adolescence well before adolescence arrives. Don't be caught off guard. Don't believe that a well behaved ideal youngster will necessarily stay this way during adolescence.

When children are young, it is easy to tell them what to do. When they are young, they must learn the concepts of good versus bad, right versus wrong. Telling children what to do and what not to do gives them feedback about what actions are good/right versus bad/wrong. As children get older, their lives become more complex and they are still learning how to distinguish good/right from bad/wrong. With this added complexity of their environment, adolescents have the need to develop independence in preparation for adulthood. Although our children may have been good listeners as youngsters, their need to develop independence is contrary to following instructions like they did as a child. Adolescents do not like being told what to do. Don't take this personally. This is normal human nature. Being told what to do is contrary to developing independence. An adolescent who is as obedient as a youngster is abnormal. Such a failure to develop the urge for independence may result in the development of an overly dependent adult.

It is not unusual for adolescents to do the exact opposite of what their parents ask or expect of them. They dress differently. They come up with new hair styles just to be different. Their music and language are different. While you might notice many of these changes in youngsters, it is the adolescents who set new trends. The younger kids merely copy them.

Teens acquire new knowledge at an incredible rate. Because they now know a few things better than their parents (such as computer skills or automobile repair), they unrealistically believe that they are much smarter than their parents. They believe that their parents' knowledge and political beliefs are out of date. When I was a teenager, I used to think that I knew everything about a lot of things. Now that I'm older, I know that, what I knew as a teenager was very superficial. My daughter began telling me some things about our diets after a few nutrition lectures at school. Even though her father is a pediatrician, I had difficulty convincing her that some of those concepts she learned in school were not correct. Despite my academic credentials, she chose to believe her teacher over me, because to her, I'm her father and not a professor of pediatrics.

Adolescence is a period filled with many happy memories for most. Occasionally, adolescents experience emotional trauma that exceeds their ability to cope. Highly competitive athletes may lose in an important competition. There may be an academic failure or disappointment. There may be a death in the family. But most commonly, significant emotional trauma results from peers and parents. Specifically a common combination is a significant change in a romantic relationship coupled with some parental conflicts. Adolescents trying to achieve independence sustain major stress when their peer relationships crash and their family backup support is weak. Adolescents need peer support. Without it, their quest for independence is difficult. A sense of hopelessness and despair may result in depression. It is very common for adolescents to think about suicide during this period. Strong family or peer support will generally overcome this, but for many, suicide attempts result. This is serious since some of these suicide attempts are successful. Good communication between parents and teens can better identify periods of emotional distress so that parents can be there when it counts.

In summary, we should expect the following: 1) a desire to be different, 2) a desire to do things on their own, 3) a dislike for being told what to do, 4) an unrealistic sense of possessing knowledge superior to their parents, 5) a need to be accepted by peers.

The changes that occur in adolescence cannot be easily altered. Before adolescence, it is a good idea to discuss these expected changes with your child. By understanding and anticipating the changes in adolescence, both teens and parents will be better prepared for the inevitable change in their relationship.

While spending time together, such as at the dinner table or during a drive home, tell your child about adolescence. When you become a teenager, you will not want to do what we tell you to do. You will not want to be with your parents. In fact, you might feel embarrassed when you are seen with your parents. This is human nature (they should already know about human nature). When you become an adult, you need to be capable of independence. As a teenager, you will automatically begin the process toward developing independence. You already have the desire to look different, but this is mostly because you want to be like your friends. You will have the desire to distance yourself from us. You'd rather be with your friends, rather than be with us. You will not want to listen to us. You will not want to take our advice. In fact, you may want to do the exact opposite of what we tell you.

You will think that you know everything and your parents don't know anything. Whenever we suggest something to you, you will try to find reasons to believe that we are wrong. Does this make sense? You know a lot and you will know many things that we don't know. But don't think that your parents are stupid. For all you know, you should also know that the older you get, the more you know. Since we're older than you, do you really think that you know more than we do? When you become a teenager, please consider what we have to say. You don't have to believe us, but at least consider it since it is coming from parents who love you and only want to give you good advice. Please don't be embarrassed to come to us for advice. We will only give you good advice. We care about you more than anyone else cares about you. When you get to this age, please don't disown me as a parent. You will have lots of friends and that's good. Could you keep your parents as two of your many friends? You don't have to make us your best friends, but could you keep us in the top 25?

This message should ideally be delivered to youngsters before their teen years, when they still listen to you. This message is corny, so you may have to change the delivery of it to get your child's attention. Hopefully, if they hear this message when they are young and more impressionable, they will have more of an open mind to a few parental suggestions.

As the parent of a teen, you should be sensitive to their changing needs. As a youngster, they needed a dictator, but as a teen, they don't want a dictator, they want friends. Use different strategies to get your messages across. Instead of telling them what to do, give them the facts and let them make their own decision. If their decision is not what you prefer, you can always restate the facts and hope that they will make a more acceptable decision.

You can also set limits or a group of choices from which to decide upon. For example, what would you like to do during the summer? You could have them choose from several possibilities. But travel to a foreign country might not be included among the possibilities. Thus, the teens can make a choice within the tolerances of their parents.

Smoking is bad for your health and it is very easy to tell them not to smoke. This dictatorship method is more effective with youngsters, but it is less effective with adolescents. The standard adolescent strategy is to give them the facts about smoking. Smoking causes heart damage and lung damage. Smoking causes lung cancer, throat cancer and many other cancers. Smoking lowers the amount of oxygen delivered to your brain. Smoking damages your nose's ability to smell the fragrances of life. Smoking causes ash tray breath. Cigarettes are expensive. Money can be better spent on other things. Don't tell them not to smoke. Let them make their own decision after hearing the facts. Hopefully they will make the right decision. If they choose to smoke, there is little chance that ordering them to quit would result in any change.

What about a socially complex decision about whether to start having sex? It is unlikely that your teenager will come to and ask you if it is a good idea to have sex. It is more likely that they will decide this one night on their own. Before they have the opportunity to make this decision, prepare them with a set of facts that they must have to make an informed decision. Parents could tell them not to have sex, but this approach is less likely to be successful since adolescents don't like being told what to do. In fact, they tend to do the exact opposite of what parents tell them to do.

Don't expect the schools to do this for you. The school may have done a good job, but they may have done a poor job. It doesn't hurt to go over these facts with them again. By discussing this with your teen, this opens up this topic for possible discussion in the future. This lets teens know that it is OK to talk about sensitive subjects with your parents.

I once had an 11-year old boy ask his mother to call his pediatrician because he had to talk to his doctor about something private. His mother asked him what it was about, but he wouldn't say. He could only discuss it with the doctor. Reluctantly, his mother called the pediatrician and told the doctor that her son would only talk to the doctor. She put the child on the phone. He began crying and he told the pediatrician that he thinks he has AIDS (HIV infection). His mother began turning pale. Why does her 11-year old think he has AIDS? The doctor and the boy had a brief conversation on the phone and an appointment was scheduled for the next day. The boy was concerned that he had AIDS because he was told at school that some of the symptoms of AIDS were not feeling well and hair falling out. The point is that he did not feel comfortable discussing this with his mother. He had to tell his physician instead. By discussing sensitive topics with your kids, this lets kids know that it is OK to talk about sensitive subjects with their parents.

The next chapter discusses some facts about sex that all teens should know.