Who should read this chapter? All parents.
Summary: Because of the changes occurring in adolescence, methods of discipline that were effective in childhood are no longer effective. Allowances and restriction of household privileges and resources become the most effective means of reward and punishment in this age group. As always, bluffing must be avoided so only reasonable punishment that can actually be carried out should be threatened. Additionally, parental unity becomes more important in discipline in this age group. Parental disagreement in discipline removes any effective threat and eliminates the ability of any parent to effectively discipline.
Disciplining adolescents is much more difficult compared to younger children. Adolescents cannot easily be subjected to punishment such as spanking, writing, physical exercise or time-out. In all age groups, effective discipline requires consistency, firmness and a serious threat. For many adolescents, the threat of parental disapproval is sufficient. For others, loss of a more tangible privilege must be used. Privileges commonly used for discipline include driving, telephone time, television, video games, computer time, school activities, athletic activities, dating, concerts, movies, vacation travel, etc. Material items can also be used such as a monetary allowance, athletic equipment, clothes, shoes, snacks, video games, etc.
A major principle of discipline is that you must never bluff about punishment. A threat of punishment that is not carried out becomes an idle threat. Idle threats eliminate the threat of punishment and discipline is lost. Threats such as "you're going to get it", "you're grounded for a year", "you are never going to drive again" and "we're going to throw away that computer" are not good ideas. "You're going to get it" is too vague. The exact punishment is unclear. "You're grounded for a year" is too long a period of time for a punishment. It's unlikely that the "grounding" can truly be maintained for one year. It is very likely that your adolescent will drive again some day. You don't really want to throw away that expensive computer. These statements, made without thinking undermine your ability to discipline because these are essentially bluffs. If you want to be taken seriously, you must never bluff. All disciplinary punishment threats must be carried out.
Adolescents are on the phone a lot. Restricting time on the phone can be a very effective punishment because it can be used again and again. Don't overdo it by banning them from the phone for a month because you might not have any effective punishment for the rest of the month. Many families have two phone lines. The second line is usually the one used by the teens in the household. This line can be disconnected temporarily as a punishment. If they like to use the household computer, restricting time on the computer can be an effective means of punishment. Using short restrictions can be more effective because it can be implemented immediately and used multiple times. Brief restrictions of their other privileges, such as driving, can be similarly used.
Using physical force for punishment in younger kids is not the best idea. As discussed in a previous chapter, there are better forms of disciplinary punishment. This is even more true in adolescents. Physical punishment is a bad idea in adolescents. It teaches them that violence is acceptable during a period in their life which is particularly tumultuous and violence prone. Additionally, adolescents are big and they are often bigger than parents. We shouldn't attempt to overpower them physically. We should master our parenting skills to appropriately influence them toward better decision making and life skills.
Parents must present a unified front. Any inconsistency will be exploited by your teen. Some parents choose to play different disciplinary roles. In most instances, mothers are strict and the source of discipline while fathers are lenient. This is a very bad idea. It allows teens to squirm out of discipline if one parent provides them with leniency. This is very similar to bluffing because there is no serious threat of punishment. The threat of punishment from one parent is reversed by the other parent. The ideal family must communicate well. Unless parents are unified, discipline will be non-existent. If this is a problem, fix it NOW. Separated or divorced parents will frequently encounter discipline difficulties with adolescents because one parent will frequently negate the discipline measures of the other. This should be no surprise.
Be unified and don't bluff.